This morning I went in for my annual mammogram. You know, the appointment where you’re already feeling vulnerable because you’re topless, squished, and making awkward small talk with a stranger. The tech was nice – a little chatty, but nice. We got to talking about walking, and when she mentioned a local pond she likes to walk around, I said, “Oh, we love that trail! My husband is going through radiation and chemo for brain cancer right now, and that trail is fully shaded.”
She launched into a story about someone she knew who had glioblastoma and lived for “three whole years” after her diagnosis. I didn’t let her finish. I stopped her, politely but firmly, and said, “I’m going to ask you to please not finish that story.”
Because here’s the thing. When someone you love is going through something as serious and traumatic as this has been for us, the LAST thing you need to hear is a horror story disguised as encouragement. I know people mean well (most of the time), but even the most well-meant words can miss the mark and land like a lead balloon wrapped in a Hallmark card. So in the spirit of helping others not fumble the ball in these moments, here are 6 things you probably should not say to someone who’s been diagnosed – or their spouse, or their kid, parent, best friend, or the neighbor 4 doors down.
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- “My cousin had the same thing and didn’t make it.”
Oh. My. God. Thank you for this completely tone-deaf preview of my absolute worst nightmare. This is about as comforting as a fart in an elevator. Y’all. Please do not tell stories that end in death unless explicitly asked.
Say this instead:
“I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I hope your doctors are excellent and that you’re feeling really supported.”
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- “Everything happens for a reason.”
If you know the reason brain cancer exists, please, by all means, enlighten us. Otherwise, please don’t try to wrap suffering in a motivational poster quote. This one is especially damaging because it implies that maybe we needed this to happen for some cosmic lesson. I’m already angry enough at the universe, thank you very much.
Say this instead:
“This is so unfair. I’m here for you in any way I can be.”
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- “At least it’s not [something worse].”
Yes, we’re all in the boat of human suffering, but minimizing someone’s pain to make it more digestible is not compassion, it’s projection with a side of guilt trip.
Say this instead:
“You don’t deserve this. I hate that this is happening.”
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- “You’ve got to stay positive!”
Yeah, but do I, though? Sometimes the most positive thing I can do is cry in the car, scream into my pillow, and eat a Sonic Blast for dinner. And telling someone that their attitude will affect their outcome can actually make them feel worse when things get hard.
Say this instead:
“It’s okay to not be okay. Whatever you’re feeling is completely valid.”
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- “Have you tried [miracle supplement, obscure herb, or magic mushrooms]?”
Look, I appreciate that turmeric and bee pollen helped your aunt’s arthritis, but unless you’re part of the medical team or asked directly, this is not the time to play armchair oncologist. Trust me – we’ve Googled it. All of it.
Say this instead:
“If you ever want help looking into options or second opinions, I’m happy to help – but only if you want.”
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- “Mike is so strong – I just know he’ll get through this.”
(Bonus version: “You’re so strong—I don’t know how you do it!”)
Strength is one of those things people love to assign from the outside. And while I 100% know it is meant to be encouraging, it can also feel like pressure. What if he’s not feeling strong today? What if I’m not either? Does that mean we’re failing somehow?
Here’s the truth: We don’t feel strong. We feel tired. We feel scared. We’re doing what we have to do, not because we’re heroes, but because we don’t have a choice. And while I know people mean it kindly, “strength” shouldn’t be the bar we have to meet every single day just to make others feel hopeful.
Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do is to just sit in the mess with someone—not to fix it, not to cheer them up, but simply to let them know they’re not alone in it.
Say this instead:
“You don’t have to be strong all the time. It’s okay to be tired, scared, messy, whatever. I’m with you no matter what.”
And if you really want to help, don’t look for the magic words. Just show up. Bring coffee and/or mac n cheese. Text “I’m thinking of you.” Send us funny dog videos and crazy memes. Take the garbage cans out. Your quiet presence matters more than the perfect phrase ever could.
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Final Thought:
If you’re not sure what to say, that’s okay. Sometimes “I don’t know what to say, but I love you and I’m here” is the most beautiful, human thing you can offer.
This isn’t about perfection. It’s about showing up with empathy, not fear. It’s about being the kind of person who doesn’t just fill the silence, but respects it.
PS: If you’ve said some of these things before, don’t beat yourself up. I know there are one or two on this list that I may have said before, not knowing the emotional impact. I just know to do better next time, and that’s really all any of us can do.
Love to each and every one of you.
Two words…cancer sucks
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This is extremely helpful for someone who means well but can’t seem to find the correct words in the moment! Thank you!