Sometimes life has a way of knocking every bit of air out of your lungs. No warning. Just a phone call, and suddenly the ordinary afternoon you were having is anything but ordinary.

There’s no easy way to deliver this news, so I’ll just tell you: the initial pathology from Mike’s biopsy indicates disease progression rather than changes from radiation treatment. It’s preliminary, but it points toward the answer we were hoping we wouldn’t get.

And where was I when that call came?

Hobby Lobby. Shopping for Thanksgiving decor.

Standing there with a cart full of things telling me to “Give Thanks” while trying to process the news that my husband’s tumor appears to be progressing.

You really cannot make this shit up.

I had let myself hope we would get a different answer. Enough that I was out buying Thanksgiving decorations, imagining an ordinary holiday. That’s part of what made that phone call so devastating.

And underneath all that anger is this: he doesn’t deserve this. I hate that he has already been through so much and now we’re facing more.

Some messages today have meant more than I can adequately explain. Friends who are angry right along with us. Friends who understand without needing me to explain every feeling. Friends who remind me I don’t have to be strong every minute, who promise to stand beside us, or who send something silly when I desperately need a laugh. None of it changes the news. But it helps me feel less alone in it.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I want to hit something. And I have absolutely no interest in trying to wrap any of that in a pretty bow today, even if I was standing in a store with an entire aisle of them.

Dr. Engh will need to consult with Dr. Lindhorst before we determine the next steps. We don’t have the full plan yet, and I’ll share more when we do.

But alongside the anger and sadness, I’m feeling something else: determined.

We are determined to keep treating this for as long as we can. We’ll work with his doctors, figure out what comes next, and keep going.

I can be thankful that Mike is here and furious that we’re facing this again. Both things can be true.

Today, that’s where I am. Heartbroken. Angry. Determined.

And probably done shopping for Thanksgiving decor for a little while.

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